i am nikhil

nikhil's muzings

shades of grey

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hours.days.weeks even.
they stream past like a jet of hot water steaming past your head in the  shower.
gone before you know it.
and you just stand there watching.

a grey veil seems to hang over everything.
maybe its the diabetes taking over. maybe there are cobwebs on my window. maybe i have been thinking too much.

people. people i know.they spend their time looking forward to things. small things.tiny things. like catching that last bus home every weekend. like heavy parcels of food and love every month. like running off to their home everytime there is 2 day leave period.like going to town to splurge and spoil yourself silly.

It does seem funny though. Don't really long for those things anymore.when the urge strikes, I just up and go as i feel. maybe thats it.the longing. the aspiration.maybe thats what is the real giver of the spark in all things mundane.

i ask myself : what is that tiny inconsequential thing that makes no sense at all, that you look forward to doing every now and then, that gives you true bliss?

good question.no idea. better luck next time.

remembering and forgetting.
looking in the mirror and searching for that light that once was there. or was it? was there ever a fire burning?

lying on the rooftop gazing at the stars debating issues with no head or tail.

these seem to be the incoherent ramblings of an anguished mind.

a child who cant be one, who refuses to grow up and take stock of the situation, who keeps trying to run away from it all to the only place he really can. nianem.his own utopia.

holden, is it?

time to go study.
time to get out of basin city.

09:47 hours    13th September '07
Listening to
Tears for Fears – Mad World


Somehow that feeling of emptiness comes true, so damn true, despite the fact that when you sit down and think about it there really isnt any need for it to.at all.But I got nowhere to fly to…

15:34 hrs    13th September '07
Listening to
Pink Floyd – Nobody Home


Life goes on… i ain't alone under this orange sky

18:12 hrs    13th September '07
Listening to
Clint Mansell – Requiem for A Dream


maybe this is the way things are supposed to be.

sitting atop your hostel roof, listening to a rather somber song that gets close to expressing what you truly feel inside at

that partivular moment as the cool cool wind sweeps off your back gently taking away whatever it is that seems to be

buggering you, binding you holding you down in a treacherous web of discomfort.

is it really that bad you ask yourself. who cares.
the wind is fresh. cool. swift.

it relaxes you. the music seems to take away the pent up aggression inside of you.mom said that music is the best escape for

emotion. now, i am slowly beginning to comprehend what she might have meant by those words.
its like you end up looking for someone to talk to , someone to offload the things in your heart to.
writing it down in a journal isnt good enough.
your thinking speed overtook your brain light years ago and only leaves your hand aching and dazed.

this sumhow comes closer to the point i guess.anguished flow of feelings emotions and a vast dark cloud pouring out through

your fingertips into yet another machine.

is this fear? if yes then of what really? what is it that im trying to escape here?

i know that i have stopped caring abput others long long ago.
true, i  regard their feelings and emotions and views with more respect than ever before, thinking many times, or even

avoiding being judgemental.
but as Suchintya once said, i cannot control everything that influences me and my life.consequentially,bothering myself into

forming opinionated standpoints about these things seems meaningless.

2 days ago,at this very spot, i was spouting my heart's content over the phone.
trying to undrestand the swirling mists of thoughts inside my head by giving vent to them.
the entire concept of am i really meant to bend down and conform to this meaningless and abject system laid in place by

society? or is it in fact in place for that very reason – to make me realize its failings and futility and thus step forth

and break free and take over the reins.

maybe this imagination of mine is on its reckless crashing rollercoaster ride as it whips through unknown possiblities…
i seem to be a mindless zombie, just pushing myself without intention or thought or goals through time..
and  yet i end up asking myself this, if i can just go on, numb with sleeping in my bed and playing those mundane games and

typing these inane statements, then why o why cant i continue doing in the very same fashion the simple task of attending the

classes, muggin up crap and giving examinations like everyone else. to whom am i trying to prove myself? what the hell am i

trying to do..

why am i at a loss for words. not to babble incoherently, but to try and grasp my true essence and purpose.

19:11 hours    13 September '07
Listening To
Pink Floyd – Wish You Were Here


another day of thinking. another day of wondering. and yet. i persist.
it never really changes anything while affecting everything at the same time.
and still. and still.
i am.
Yukon Ho, Here I Come!

20:32 hours    13 September '07
Listening To
Staind – It's Been A While

Written by iNKV

September 13, 2007 at 15:32

Posted in Uncategorized

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