i am nikhil

nikhil's muzings

clueless

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What is is that we seek? why do we have to be so frustrated with life and everything we come across in it? why? all the time, we keep adjusting, planning saving up for some future day. i do not have the wisdom of several decades behind me to stand and pontificate on this, but the 22 years of my life, of which i can consciously think and recollect some 15 odd years lead me to arrive at the above mentioned conclusion. there is no reason for happiness and sadness from before or after. just the present. just now. why i choose to smile or laugh or cry or mourn or die is upto me and how i perceive my current moment to be. WE are the masters of our own destiny, and whenever i feel that a nerve in my head is gonna explode i end up ranting here. but this is what i think this is what i feel. uncut. unpolished. raw.its like that three panel comic i saw sometime ago. this woman working in the most god-awful place doing a forsaken job, and yet smiling. why? cause if she takes even the slightest amount of stress she’ll suffer from an aneurysm. a vein in her head shall puncture, and she’ll die a silent gruesome death as blood floods her brain.so she smiles on. she has a choice. she makes it. smile or die.try making lie simpler than that. was just reading the little prince. it really puts you in place. teaches you perspective. why is it that the most profound truth’s and lessons are to be found in childhood. we break down things to their barest simplest constituents and spare the unnecessary layers of eye-candy and sham-gloss that end up coatting everything in our lives n distorting things in a fashion that they bear no relation whatsoever to what they really are. all i get is that i have to fucking up all these years. i get a feeling that everything i have done is a mistake.all my decisions and choices were massive blunders that the world could do without. all my tastes, my passions, my interests are classified as meaningless vagrancies that i should bother with.that my so called interest in the arts is ridiculous to say the least. that i hardly seem to be an engineering student.who decides that? how are they my interests if i dont get to pick them? i see no solution on the table. only images of fingers pointing at me, hailing me as a misfit, labeling me as wrong. where do i turn? how do i find release? when does the soul searching and this running away from myself end? the funny thing is i ain’t happy or sad. just sitting, wondering & waiting. clueless.

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Listening to: Pink Floyd – Echoes

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Written by iNKV

December 24, 2007 at 02:50

Posted in Uncategorized

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